Friday, July 8, 2011
Guest blogger; Maynard Solomon (aka Benjamin Sobieck)
My name is Maynard Soloman. Can you read? Then you can see that I stenciled "Maynard Soloman Investigation Services" in spray paint on the side of my Winnebago. It’s a one-man shop on wheels. I opened it up after the force booted me out of the Obscenities Division. Said this ol’ badger had dug his last hole. Said my health “problems” were a liability to the job. Said I should just retire.
I told ‘em to go to hell. Retirement is for chumps who want to die in their gardens. I don’t have a green thumb and I never will. I have a can opener and slow cooker.
They forced me into retirement anyway. Fine. But then the arthritic bean counters at the force stiff me on the medical bills. Some retirement.
So to keep gas in the ‘bago and the slow cooker full, I opened up my own shop. Pay off some of this debt, see the country in the ‘bago and try to outrun these health "problems."
By now you're probably saying to yourself, "Self, this Maynard Soloman guy is clearly smarter, more experienced and better looking than I." To which I say, "Get some gal-damn self-esteem, you fruit bat. Maybe if you'd have some goolies if you knew how to cuss like an ol' badger."
To help you, here's a list of words you'll want to start using:
1) "Gal-damn." Use whenever you can. Works wonderful in all social situations. "Pass the gal-damn kethcup." People know you're gal-damn serious about feeding time.
2) "Punk." This is a technical term. It stands for Person Underneath the King. The King isn’t me, mind you. It’s Elvis. Because, dammit, this is still America and we spent TWO wars kicking the Brits out. (Don’t think I’ll ever forget the War of 1812 – you gal-damn Canucks been lookin’ at your feet ever since.) We’ve got our own King, see. How do the bottoms of those suede shoes smell, punk? You’re just a Person Underneath the King.
3) "Fruit bat." That’s my new word. It defines a person who is not only fruity, but also bat-shit insane. It applies to most people nowadays. Therefore, most people should respond well when you use it. They'll thank you for reminding them why they need to change everything about their stupid lives.
4) "Gal-damn fruit bat punk." I've never used this unholy trio on anyone. It's simply too powerful. Did you know I'm prohibited from traveling to China? Something about my views on Commies. It doesn't matter, though. This phrase will blow a hole in The Great Wall.
5) "I take it you guys aren’t here to cut a swell, are you? Or did you gal-damn apes already get a mitten?" When your back is against the wall, confuse your enemy with some Old West jargon. In modern terms, this translates to, "Huh?"
6) "Ape." This requires observation to use effectively. If the subject cannot stop from dragging his knuckles, you can bet he's an ape.
7) "Cro-Magnon." Similar to "ape." Use it if you cannot confirm the height of the subject's knuckles.
8) "Blasphemous pillock." Kids, I don't even know what in the hell this means. For all I know, it's a shitty British entree.
9) "Pikey." If a cab driver stiffs you on the bill, by all means, use it. But I'm not responsible for what happens.
10) "Mudsill." You know how a window sill gets full of mud sometimes? It's like that. Except in your brain.
You'll find Maynard--and all of Ben's work--in any ebook store you are familiar with. Trestle Press is the publisher. A publisher who happens to bring a few of my characters to life as well I'm happy to say.
Try Maynard Like a bad conscience, he kinda grows on you.